My wife and I are having a dispute, how do I resolve it?

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Tez says my wife and i are having a dispute how do i resolve it a great question unfortunately i don’t know the details of of the dispute to or you know and the issues involved but i can offer a general framework that maybe might be helpful and because you’re the husband i’m going to tell you what the bible says you should you can do it from the husband’s perspective colossians 3 19 it says husbands love your wives and do not be bitter towards them so love your wife don’t be bitter you’re you’re the one who has control or has some ability to maybe to control some of the emotions the feelings going on in the relationship of course there’s two people you can’t necessarily control controller but let’s now flip to ephesians 5 25 similar verse it says husbands love your wives just as christ also loved the church and gave himself for her that he might sanctify and cleanse her with washing of the water of the word that he might present her to himself as a glorious church not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing but that she might be holding without blemish so so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies he who loves his wives loves himself so this is this is tough i’m not saying this is easy no just go love your wife magically that’s going to happen but what i’m saying is that this is the mindset to try to start getting yourself into i mean maybe you already have that maybe already struggling with that right and i’m just encouraging you maybe do what you’re already doing which is now just keep grappling with loving your wife because you are the man and you’re in the role of reflecting christ in the marriage that’s a tall order the burden’s on you you have the harder job to be the one to first supply the love in the relationship and how is our relationship with god why do we love him it’s we’re told we love him because he first loved us and i find it so interesting that almost every relationship starts with the man first loving the woman and usually the woman says i don’t like this guy i want to leave me alone right and the guy keeps loving her keeps pursuing her and eventually his love supplies the love for her to reciprocate back so uh you know is this just a one-off dispute or is this more reflecting an ongoing issue maybe if you can learn to supply that love as god has supplied the love for us love is god loves you love your wife maybe that could disarm the conflict or maybe start realizing it’s now not about you winning but you doing the loving you know are you going to make compromises that you know wouldn’t because now you realize are you you wouldn’t before because now you’re putting your interest beneath hers you will do what’s best for her you want her to feel love her to feel empowered her to feel appreciated so that’s that’s my thought of the matter i i hope that helps it’s that’s not easy right i’m not saying it’s gonna be easy but that’s what we’re called to do this man loves what he preaches too so that’s awesome and you know um our friend fez i would say to that too um just as a wife i understand conflicts happen in marriage you know they do it’s just part of you know it’s part of the refining process but i think something that could just be helpful is one if you guys just you know kind of just stop say okay let’s let’s stop let’s take a breath let’s pray and i think you know asking god to come into the situation to give you both peace and wisdom i think that’s a big thing and then from there you know definitely showing you know speaking to your wife in a loving tone um like it says in proverbs that a soft answer turns away wrath and so if we’re speaking if you start speaking in a calm loving manner i think that’s going to de-escalate things as opposed to you know when things get louder i think more heated so um you know try talking in a more loving calm manner and you know that will in turn you know evoke in your wife respect for you because i know that that’s a big thing like it says in ephesians 5 33 that you know it says husbands love your wife but it says wives see that you reference your husband so you know um your actions need to you know evoke reverence or respect for you as a husband so um you know on your end you know do things that are respectable that show yourself as an honorable and respectable husband uh by treating her in a loving way um and you know and tell her you know what you the way that you want to be communicated to as far as you know being treated respectfully and you know um and i think if you have that conversation i don’t think either of you are bad people i think you both you know want things to work and so um i think as you you know prayerfully ask god to intervene and you um look to him for you know for peace and wisdom i think god will give you that so that you guys can resolve things and and grow together in the love and mercy of god i want to add to that too an important thing is to understand that communication is like we often think that communication is just what we say or the tone of voice and how we say it but communication is so much more than that it it it’s it’s what we it’s the words we use it’s the timing of when we have the conversation it’s the tone of voice that’s used it’s our intention behind what we’re saying it’s um it’s our body language and our facial expressions it’s it is our desire for the other person when or lack thereof when we are communicating and it’s there’s so many components to it and you know jesus showed up with people with all of these pieces congruent and fully loving people in every you know the person you talk to in every single way and that’s a very tall order that’s a very very hard thing but a lot of times when when conflict arises it’s because one of those aspects of communication is is not right like it’s not in that loving intention and and wholeness and and culture you know culture is a big one too and a lot of times people have conflict because of cultural differences and something means something different because of the backgrounds they came from and the meanings that they have associated with it and so all of these elements are a component of that love and of that communication and sometimes we have to look at ourselves and say you know did i really um i really communicate what i meant to communicate in that whole loving way or did i actually fall short and that was the piece that that kind of like set off the other person that i didn’t quite show up for them in the right way in in that dynamic and when when we look at that and when we explore that and we start to own those pieces of the issue that we communicated um that you know we didn’t maybe we maybe didn’t mean to communicate but they felt it in a way that was uncomfortable when we look at all of that and own all of that and then work towards the common goal of finding connection reestablishing connection it can resolve a lot a lot of issues yeah so phase none of this is to blame you but i hope you realize it’s because you can’t control your wife you can’t control other people you can only do do things within your own self and so hope these give you tools that you can then be able to have positive influence with your communications with your wife and it is it takes two people it takes it takes two people to have a dispute and it takes two people to reconcile a dispute and so um it’s it we both parties have to be involved in taking responsibility for their pieces of it and both parties have to be looking at the best intentions and the goals of the other party and and thinking about what you know how can we how can we make the how can we find connection and and restoration and that’s what’s interesting to me about the analogy of the relationship you know with christ and the church and because christ did nothing wrong god’s done nothing wrong and yet he has conflict with his people because of what they’re doing because of their lack of respect lack of appreciation lack of love so there you do have you know a one-sided problem even but again what was christ’s example continues to love continued have mercy grace passion kindness patience all these things so to me so even if you are the perfect one which none of us are perfect right no it’s perfect but even if you were hypothetically you still can apply the principles of love to try to restore the relationship the best you can because that’s god’s example yeah and it can be so easy to try to fix it on the other person’s problems when we’re uncomfortable with our own and to um act like we’re perfect and you know nothing will set off another person more than pointing out their problems while acting like we are the perfect one and we don’t have any so it’s very important not to not to let our ego and pride get in the way and look what christ did he even let it get to the point where he got abused injured killed just to prove that he loved this yeah he let us do that not saying not saying that you said you should repeatedly subject yourself to abusive situations that’s not appropriate but it’s sometimes okay to take the lumps yes it’s something you know it’s under it’s in a metaphorical sense yeah it it you don’t have to be right all the time um in the relationship sometimes you know or prove that to the person sometimes the right thing is to take a step back and and listen deeper to what they’re saying and and try to meet that underlying need as opposed to defending our own ego and pride

 

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