This is a difficult topic for me to write on. However I feel I must write my thoughts on this. When we think of betrayal we may think of family members or friends betraying us. The very last person we would ever expect to betray us though, the one person we would never expect to betray us, is God. However in my case that at least appears to be exactly what happened. Though I can not dare to believe it is true.
My story began a little over three years ago. I fasted and prayed for a sign for clear guidance for something in my life, something with Biblical precedence in the story of Gideon’s fleece. I heard God tell me which day it would come on. When the time came I even heard God clearly tell me what to do to get it. Thinking it was my imagination at first, I brushed it off, but God’s voice though still and small is persistent. It came back stronger. I still thought it was my imagination. After a few times like this, I obeyed. When I finally did, I was blown away. It was not just a sign, but an eye-popping incredible sign.
A few weeks later, I was singing in church when I heard God tell me that there was going to be a prophecy concerning my situation and even specifically what would be in it, immediately after the song. Thinking this was my imagination again, I thought this would have to be impossible. But sure enough, the prophecy came exactly as and when I was told it would.
The person giving it had no idea of my situation or that it was even for me. It was told to give a sacrifice of praise, and that very soon God was going to open a door in my life that would make sense of things. This came a few weeks later in the form of being invited to speak at a conference in Nebraska and meet Dr. Moreland, who promptly invited me to study with him at Biola.
Then there were more signs, doors, and prophecies that year, each as extraordinary as the last. Finally at the end of the year something happened on the exact day God told me it would earlier that year, before I ever knew I was going out to California! Everything seemed to have fallen into place.
However some time later, I got a very unpleasant surprise. Certain events transpired that revealed something that shook me greatly. Firstly, I learned that I was not the first person to have had this happen to me. Secondly, I learned that the event that had sparked off my whole adventure had occurred precisely because God had told someone else involved in the situation to do something because my situation had happened before to others.
I was then told by this person that all of this was false and that I should not believe it. I ended up heartbroken and devastated. I can’t blame this individual, as they could not have known. Besides I would refuse to ever hold anything against this person anyway.
However, when it came to God I couldn’t believe it. I know what I heard and how I was led. I considered that perhaps I had misinterpreted, but upon reflection that didn’t make sense either. I had been very specific concerning my Gideon’s Fleece, the prophecies I got were specific as well, and the leading I had gotten both from hearing God and the doors opening were very specific.
I simply couldn’t believe it. Given the situation as it stood, it appeared as though I had been betrayed by God. I felt I had not just been betrayed, but in fact God knew what would happen and that it had seemingly happened to others previously before He ever set the course of events into motion! I felt I had not only been betrayed, but that God had deliberately set me up and stabbed me in the back. It appeared as though events had been calculated to have my heart badly broken, and to take out a $30,000 loan in the process!
At first I was furious with God. Though fortunately God understands when and why we get angry with Him. Worse I felt I could not trust God, either that or perhaps I never heard from God at all. Only given everything that had happened that did not make sense. Thus I was stuck in pain and confusion.
Nevertheless something about this did not set right, and despite appearances I had a hard time believing God had really set me up. Deliberately setting up a cruel joke is not in God’s character. God said He would never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5), and I know what I had heard and how I had been led. Thus there must be something, some missing piece, I had not accounted for.
As it turns out, a missing piece may very well be the issue. As Genesis points out, God creates everything good. Thus evil must come as some absence or distortion within good. As CS Lewis points out “evil is a parasite.” If this is the case then perhaps the reason God appeared to have betrayed is not that God actually betrayed me, but that perhaps God had not put all of the necessary pieces together yet.
Later that year, I went home around December. On New Years we had a prayer meeting at church. I was praying about this confusing situation when the older lady who had given me the original prophecy approached me. She still had no idea the prophecy she had given the previous year was about me, nor was she aware of my situation. She had a word for me though.
She said I was terrified about something, but that I should not worry and that I had not ruined anything because of anything I did or didn’t do, something I was specifically afraid I had done. However she then said something interesting. She said that the problem was that whatever it is I was waiting for from God was in the works, but that it wouldn’t work just yet because “the necessary pieces to make it work hadn’t been put into place yet!”
This was a year ago, and it can be hard to keep faith in the meantime. Nevertheless I received some surprising information this December that I found encouraging. Though the other month something happened that shook me up again. Even more frustratingly I also felt warned by God not to reach out in certain ways regarding this situation, that is until recently when I was told to reach out at a certain time and in a certain way, which I did a several days ago.
Now the free-will of others is also involved. Though God of course knows the future as well. I could provide speculations, but in the end I will not pretend to know how divine foreknowledge and free-will are reconciled. Perhaps only God knows these things. Nevertheless, however things turn out, I can believe that things will make sense, and right now nothing makes sense. God still knows what He’s doing, and so all I can go on in such a situation is faith.
It can be hard to see God as our fortress or a refuge in times of trouble, when He appears to deliberately betray you. When such things happen, verses like Psalm 34:8 which tell us to taste and see that the Lord is good can sometimes feel like a cruel joke rather than words of comfort.
However when such things happen, it is important to remember that we do not walk by sight (or by taste for that matter), but by faith. As Romans 10:17 points out, “faith comes through hearing the word of Christ,” not by looking at the situation however bad it may appear on the surface. So when it appears that God has betrayed you, have faith and remember that it may be that He just has not put all of the necessary pieces together yet.