Automatic Transcript Generated:
Speaker 1
Robert is saying, last question. I might have been late when you guys talked about relationships, but what would be an example of a relationship before marriage? Do we treat a boyfriend or girlfriend like a spouse?
Speaker 2
Yeah, that’s a great question, Robert. I could be wrong. There could be certain edge cases, but really in the Bible what you see is just single and then there’s engaged and then there’s married. This concept of boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t really appear in the biblical context. Not saying that that’s necessarily wrong. Things are very different. We don’t have prearranged marriages. Marriages, at least in the western world, right? Marriage works very differently than it might. And people are getting married at much later ages than they did during biblical times. Everything is very different in some respects, especially societal, but some principles still stay true. So when you say do you treat a boyfriend, a girlfriend like a spouse, the question becomes what do you mean by that? Should you have the same sort of love and respect for that person? I would say, of course, well, in the sense of not intimacy. But it’s a good practice to see how much can you really love someone, be loyal to someone, put their interest before your interest. That would be good practice. And then see how well they reciprocate. And if they’re not reciprocating, if you’re not really getting a proper relationship formed there, don’t advance to the next stage, don’t make it permanent.
Speaker 2
When it comes to intimacy, though, the Bible is very clear. That is for marriage and marriage alone. If we go to Genesis 24 67, we see here this says Isaac brought her, referring to Rebecca. This is first time they met. Pretty much isaac brought her into his mother’s tent, sarah’s tent, took Rebecca and she became his wife and he loved her. And Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. I mean, it’s sort of implied there that they went sealed the deal by having intercourse and now they’re married. The intercourse is really what seals a deal and is supposed to define the consummation of a marriage. So don’t ever go to that step until you’re actually married. And then, as a lot of people suggest, I agree with it, be very mindful about to what extent you actually do engage in touching, kissing, things like that. Because those things really are very intimate, they really are very stimulating, they are very beautiful, very wonderful when you’re married, when you’re not married, it becomes extremely frustrating because then now you can only go so far. And then you start saying well, maybe I’ll just budget, maybe we’ll just go a little bit further.
Speaker 2
We’ll go a little further and then oops, maybe now you’ve crossed the line and actually went all the way. So it’s really important see how far you can actually just love each other without then needing the physical intimacy. If you can have a great relationship without the intimacy now that’s a great sign that then you could have a great relationship after that that will get even more beautiful, more wonderful when you add the intimacy to it.
Speaker 3
And I guess when I think about this question, there’s so many things of like what does a relationship look like before marriage in these days? Because so many people are moving in together and almost acting like husband and wife because they cohabitate and things like that. And I think that that’s not a very healthy thing to do. And I think a really good guiding just thought that God has kind of already put in place is the 7th commandment that says thou shalt not commit adultery. And so basically, really just thinking to your future spouse, whoever that person might be, because the person you’re dating who is your boyfriend or girlfriend, they may not be your future spouse, you don’t know that yet. And so just thinking whatever it is, that you would not feel ashamed to tell your future spouse that you’ve done in the past with somebody in a relationship, I think that’s a guiding tool. Because if you married somebody and they’re like, oh, yeah, by the way, I slept with somebody before, or I lived with somebody before, it’s like, oh, it kind of takes away from your marriage in a certain sense.
Speaker 3
It can also just inhibit the trust that can be there because it’s something that was a little bit too intimate for just a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. And so I think dating is something where you are getting to know just kind of the person’s character. And so I think doing a lot of spending time, asking a lot of questions, learning about the person, just observing how they behave, how they treat you and others exactly between yourself and in groups and with how they treat their parents, how they treat their friends, how they treat animals. You want to get to know this person’s character. I think that’s really what you’re trying to get to know during this time of building relationship before you decide whether or not this is a person you want to marry. I know like for myself, when I was dating my husband, I saw how he was with people who were less fortunate and that’s really what made me fall in love with him because I was like wow, he has a kind heart. And because he has a kind heart in this context, I felt safe with him going into a marriage relationship because he was a safe person to be around.
Speaker 3
He was very merciful, very kind. And so you’re basically wanting to see the heart of this person that you are deciding whether or not they’re a person that you can trust going forward into a marriage relationship. And I think that’s why when you look at the book of Proverbs chapter 31, it talks about the virtuous woman and basically this is a mother of a king that is giving her son advice. That’s the book of Proverbs, chapter 31. She talks about a virtuous woman, and she says of this virtuous woman that the heart of her husband does safely trust in her. And she lists all these different ways that this woman behaves, and that’s really what you want to do is match. Does this person’s character demonstrate that they are going to behave in a way that I can live with, that I can safely trust living with this person, that they’re not going to betray me, that they’re not going to hurt me down the line, or are we going to get along? Are they a clean person, are they a messy person? Things like that. Those are more the things that you’re really looking for in the context of the dating relationship before you’re thinking like, okay, this is somebody I want to spend the rest of my life cohabitating with.
Speaker 3
Because after marriage, things become a lot more intense, and they can be in a good way. Or if it’s not with the right person, it can be a lot more difficult. So I think the focus needs to be definitely on knowing the character of that other person and getting to know your own character and developing yourself into the character of Jesus.
Speaker 2
And I know there’s a philosophy of thought that’s out there that date as many people as possible. You learn something from every relationship. But I really think that just leads to a lot of unnecessary. Like, Winnie and I were able to get to know each other fairly well just by going to Bible studies together, being around the same circle of friends together, hanging out for a while. And so by the time we actually started dating, we actually already knew each other pretty well. And then it just opened up to the deeper things about each other that dating brought out. A lot of people just jump the gun. They got to have somebody. I don’t recommend that.
Speaker 1
And I think another element, too, is to think about the other person as not just your interest right now before marriage, but recognizing that if they’re not the right one for you, they are actually going to be somebody else’s spouse. And respecting and honoring that as well. That’s a concept I wish someone had taught me at a younger age that really changed the way I viewed relationships when I heard that, that it’s not just about me and that other person. It’s also about respecting and honoring them because of their future spouse.
Speaker 2
Yeah. You want to give away a piece of your heart to every person you date or hold on to as much of it for that one person, ideally, that you date. You’re looking at my first girlfriend, which is where I know God told me I’ll be able to just date once and get married. And so my goal was to find that one, and it doesn’t work for everybody. I understand, but it does happen.
Speaker 1
And I will say I wish that he was my only boyfriend. And I say I wish that because every other relationship that I was in only resulted in heartache. Yes, there were wonderful qualities that different guys I dated had, but in the end, they weren’t the right relationship for me and my heart was broken every single time. Even when I knew the relationship wasn’t good for me, it was still hard to have that bonding and have that separation. And I think often about how much more beautiful our relationship is for him and without the pain, having not been through that that I have and that I still carry because of going through that. And as much as I want to get rid of that, it’s a part of my life forever. And so I do think that there is much to be said for following God’s path here and keeping the friend line or keeping the line strong between whether you’re actually married or whether you’re not and whether this is the person God has chosen for you versus not. That’s the real key.
Speaker 2
Yeah, I think many people feel like they have to do the work, they have to find the spouse and it could be just any person and they got to do the work. The burden is on them. But if you shifted and you have the God based mentality where God has a plan, god has somebody out there for you and then you put the burden on God. God, show me god, reveal it to me. God, let me know what to do. Now, this is where you can avoid making mistakes and you’re going to stay true to God’s plan as opposed to going our own way when we make all the mistakes that then cause all the pain and heartache and trouble.
Speaker 3
Amen. And I think just one last thought, too. When we’re talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, you have to be very careful. The Bible says to guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it comes the issues of life. And so just making sure that you don’t give your heart away too quickly and that you don’t call out the affections of another person too quickly either. Just being very respectful in that way because you wouldn’t want somebody to lead you on and make you think that they loved you and they wanted more when really they weren’t interested in that. They were just kind of seeing whatever. And so I think it kind of goes back to the Ten Commandments again, thou shalt not steal. You shouldn’t steal people’s affections, you shouldn’t steal people’s hearts. And you should be careful that you’re not just giving your heart away either so that it’s not easily broken. You need to be careful and use wisdom. And obviously a lot of prayer is key. I know God convicted me. I was praying four times a day. I was like, lord, I feel like you’re calling me to my spouse.
Speaker 3
And I felt very impressed. I needed to be praying four times a day for them. And it was funny because at that same time, my husband was praying for me, and I didn’t know that. And so I think if you’re praying and the other person’s praying and you’re being led by God’s spirit, you’ll be led in the right way. And we’ll be praying for you, too, Robert. So may God bless you in that area of your life, because it’s a very important one.
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In His Service
BibleAsk Team
